Thursday, September 2, 2021

Rewrite that sentence, PBS

From the PBS NewsHour:

Designer Ed Welburn’s passion developed early, as a small child.
The problem is the dangling modifier “as a small child.” I think of the passion sitting quietly in a corner, reading or drawing. Better:
Ed Welburn has been passionate about design since early childhood.
But I’m not crazy about passion or passionate. My preference:
Ed Welburn has been interested in design since early childhood.
Or more simply:
Ed Welburn became interested in design in early childhood.
From at least the age of eight.

Related reading
All OCA “How to improve writing” posts (Pinboard)

[This post is no. 94 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose.]

comments: 6

The Arthurian said...

How does something like that even get on PBS??!!

Michael Leddy said...

Good question. Everyone makes mistakes, but if I’m listening with desultory attention and a sentence like that one jumps out at me, I take it as a mistake that someone should’ve caught.

Richard Abbott said...

Hmmm, I find the suggested rewrite a bit meh... "interested in" just doesn't do anything for me, and certainly doesn't give the same feel as "passionate about", or even "excited about" or "moved by".
Now, one might legitimately question whether someone could in real life remain passionate about any one thing since childhood, but that seems to me to be artistic licence! But to simply profess "interest" rather than "passion" just doesn't (IMHO) convey anything that wold make me want to read on...

Michael Leddy said...

Look at the PBS clip (if it’ll play): in context, it’s a reporter’s sentence added between comments from Ed Welburn. So there’s no question of whether to read on. I did rewrite with the dangling modifier out but “passionate” in. But better than what I had: Ed Welburn became interested in design in early childhood.

“Passion” and “passionate,” at least in my experience, have become clichés, as in student writing: “I am passionate about grammar and punctutation.” (Really?!) And I find it difficult to think of “passionate” as describing someone who’s eight. But with “passion” or without, we can agree that the passion didn’t develop as a child. : )

Richard Abbott said...

Maybe "fascinated by" or "intrigued by" - more emphatic than "interested in" (at least in UKE) and plausible to experience as a child, but not as over-the-top or overused as "passionate about"?

Michael Leddy said...

I’d vote for “fascinated by” as more suitable for a child. Or something entirely different: “When Ed Welburn was just eight, a visit to the Philadelphia Auto Show sparked an interest that would become his life’s work.” That’s the thing about revising: fixing one problem opens up further possibilities.