Sunday, April 7, 2019

How to improve writing (no. 81)

Only a month ago Kirstjen Nielsen was insisting that cages for children are “sub-parts” of “facilities.” But now she’s out. The New York Times could have taken more care with this paragraph from an article reporting the departure of Kirstjen Nielsen from the Department of Homeland Security:

Mr. Trump enjoyed Ms. Nielsen's television appearances, administration aides said. But despite several stories about how much better her relationship with Mr. Trump was, Ms. Nielsen never learned how to manage him, people familiar with their discussions said. He often felt lectured to by Ms. Nielsen, the people familiar with the discussions said.
“Better” raises questions that the article doesn’t answer: better than what? better than when? There’s ungainly repetition: “people familiar with their discussions said,” “the people familiar with the discussions said.” And a horribly awkward passive verb: “He often felt lectured to by Ms. Nielsen.” Imagine speaking words to that effect: “I often feel lectured to by you.”

Better:
Mr. Trump enjoyed Ms. Nielsen's television appearances, administration aides said. But despite stories of an improved Trump–Nielsen relationship, people familiar with the relationship said that Ms. Nielsen never learned how to manage Mr. Trump, and that he often felt that she lectured him.
Even “breaking news,” as they call it, can wait another minute for writer(s) to get the sentences right. Three writers for this article.

*

April 8: Now there are four writers credited.


Related reading
All OCA “How to improve writing” posts (Pinboard)

[This post is no. 81 in a series, dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose.]

comments: 5

Elaine said...

Even in the middle of composing those sentences, they should have heard the 'clunk' and fixed things in midflight. Sheesh, indeed!

Slywy said...

and that he often felt that she lectured him.

Not sure the "that" is necessary (I'm on a "that" killing spree). And I almost want to make it "he felt she often lectured him." Not sure which happened "often" — the feeling or the lectures.

Michael Leddy said...

I think the sense is not that she talked to him frequently but that when she talked to him he often felt that she was lecturing. And by the way, I can’t imagine Donald Trump listening to any woman explain anything without his mistaking what’s said for a lecture. (One sign that his mindset is that of a callow boy.)

I like my thats, but I grant that the third might go. I’d want to keep the two thats that go with said: “people familiar with the relationship said that ..., and that ....” I’ll invoke Garner’s Modern English Usage: “the conjunction that should usually be retained to introduce clauses following verbs such asacknowledge,askbelieve,claim,doubt, andsaid.” Here, if you have the first that, you need the second, to make it clear what’s attributed to these people: “people familiar with the relationship saidthat Ms. Nielsen never learned how to manage Mr. Trump, andthat he often felt that she lectured him.” I still like the slightly greater formality of “felt that.” Leaving that kind of that out could lead to misreading: “They felt his skin was too orange for television.” I know that’s a slightly farfetched example.

Fresca said...

I thought of a refinement of your imagined Dantean punishment for her--a refinement so cruel I hesitate to even suggest it as I would NOT
NOT
NOT wish it on her:
that in her boundless cage, she is not the adult we know, she is herself at, say, eight.

Michael Leddy said...

Yikes. I don't think I could wish that on anyone.