How to improve writing (no.129)

From a New York Times article about Damon Landor, a Rastafarian who sued after prison guards shaved his dreadlocks:

The Supreme Court on Monday will hear arguments in a case testing whether Mr. Landor can sue state prison officials for money for violating his religious rights.

Attorney General Elizabeth B. Murrill of Louisiana, who is defending the prison officials, nevertheless strongly condemned what happened to him in prison. So, too, did lower-court judges who ruled against Mr. Landor. But the appeals court said it was bound by past rulings banning such lawsuits.

Did you stumble a bit in the second paragraph? I did. Elaine did too. Him makes for a slight glitch: it’s an elementary principle of prose that you bring a name back in at the beginning of a paragraph. And nevertheless is off here: the attorney general’s condemnation of what happened preceded her defense of prison officials at the Supreme Court.

Better:

The Supreme Court on Monday will hear arguments in a case testing whether Mr. Landor can sue state prison officials for money for violating his religious rights.

Though she is defending prison officials in court, Attorney General Elizabeth B. Murrill of Louisiana has strongly condemned what happened to Mr. Landor. So, too, did lower-court judges who ruled against him. But the appeals court said it was bound by past rulings banning such lawsuits.

I Hope Damon Landor gets some justice.

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[This post is no. 129 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of professional public prose. The text of the online version of the Times article has changed since it first appeared, with “Mr. Landor” replacing “him.”]