Showing posts sorted by date for query how to improve writing. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by date for query how to improve writing. Sort by relevance Show all posts

Saturday, September 14, 2024

How to improve writing (no. 126)

[The New York Times, September 14, 2024. Click for a larger view.]

I no longer subscribe to the Times, but I’m still willing to look at the paper. I hesitated to post this bit, but I ran it past Elaine, and she had the same — instantaneous — response:

Why but ?

The conjunction makes no sense, because there’s no contradiction. What might work better:

The Democratic vice-presidential nominee has lamented the angry splits within families over politics. Indeed, he and his Republican brother rarely speak.
But (ahem) if you read the article, it’s easy to understand that it’s Tim Walz’s brother Jeff who’s on the outs with siblings:
The breach in the Walz family has been painful, according to the men’s sister, Sandra Dietrich, who lives in Nebraska, where the siblings were raised. Jeff Walz has said he has not spoken with his brother, beyond a brief phone call, in years.

“They all have their own opinions, and I have mine,” Ms. Dietrich said. “They’re my brothers and I love them.” She added that she was a Democrat and planned to vote for her brother and Ms. Harris.

“We’ve always agreed to disagree,” she continued. “That’s where I’m at with Jeff. I just wish things were different — that it didn’t wreck people.”
A cousin is quoted as saying that in 2016 Ms. Dietrich and Jeff Walz were not on speaking terms.

I’m not sure how to rewrite to remove the suggestion that the enmity here is mutual. Perhaps it is. But the article strongly implies that it’s Jeff Walz who at one point or another has cut off contact with his siblings. Here’s a possible revision if that is the case:
The Democratic vice-presidential nominee has lamented the angry splits within families over politics. Indeed, in recent years his Republican brother has had little contact with his Democratic siblings.
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[This post is no. 126 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of professional public prose.]

Thursday, August 15, 2024

How to improve writing (no. 125)

Another sentence in need of repair, this one from The Washington Post, about Donald Trump’s repeated references to Hannibal Lecter:

He typically mentions the fictional serial killer in the context of immigration, claiming without evidence that migrants are coming in from insane asylums and mental institutions and often using dehumanizing language.
I tried out this sentence in the Orange Crate Art test kitchens, where it met with puzzlement. The false parallelism of coming and using is the problem. It’s so easy to fix:
He typically mentions the fictional serial killer in the context of immigration, dehumanizing migrants and claiming without evidence that they are coming in from insane asylums and mental institutions.
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[This post is no. 125 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of professional public prose.]

How to improve writing (no. 124)

My son Ben pointed me to a awkward-sounding sentence in The New York Times. It’s about Nancy Pelosi’s friendship with Joe Biden:

What she did not say is that you can’t make friends of 50 years when you are in your ninth decade, the kind who knew you way back when.
Is this sentence as oddly phrased as Ben thinks it is? I think so. The two not s at the start are confusing, at least for a moment. And the kind falls strangely after ninth decade.

What I think this sentence wants to say is something like this:
What she left unsaid is that you can’t begin fifty-year-long friendships when you’re in your eighties.
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[This post is no. 124 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of professional public prose.]

Friday, July 26, 2024

How to improve writing (no. 123)

In The New York Times today, in an article about the attempted assassination:

The crack of the bullets are heard as they pass the microphone that Mr. Trump speaks into.
Subject and verb should always agree. Sheesh, Times : this sentence has been standing as is since early this morning.

*

8:13 p.m.: I’ll be more expansive. What makes the sentence especially awkward is that you can't fix it by writing “the cracks of the bullets” — that sounds downright strange. I would choose something like this:
Three sounds are heard — crack, crack, crack — as the bullets pass the microphone that Mr. Trump speaks into.
Or simpler:
Three sounds are heard — crack, crack, crack — as the bullets pass Mr. Trump’s microphone.
The Times sentence is still standing as is.

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[This post is no. 123 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose.]

Wednesday, July 24, 2024

What did I think about Kamala Harris?

I searched these pages to see what they (I) have said about Kamala Harris. Her name appears in thirteen — and now fourteen — posts. From a January 2, 2019 post:

The last thing Democrats need to do is to turn the 2020 presidential election into a battle between oldsters. Such a battle will do little to spark voter interest and much to spark parody. Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren: no. What the Democratic Party needs is a candidate who offers a sharp contrast to Donald Trump not only in policy but in affect. Sherrod Brown, Kamala Harris, Amy Klobuchar, Beto O’Rourke: yes.
On January 27, 2019, I was happy to see that Harris was running. And on August 12, 2020, one day after Joe Biden named Harris as his running mate, I wrote, “she will (almost certainly) make a great nominee for president in 2024.”

[And, yes, there was a “How to improve writing” post about campaign e-mails, which were certainly not written by Harris.]

Monday, June 10, 2024

How to improve writing (no. 122)

Elaine received yet another political text, and she noticed a pronoun:

Hi Elaine, it’s George Clooney. I’m proud to support President Biden and Vice President Harris, and I’m asking you to join me. Pitch in today for a chance to meet myself, Julia Roberts, President Biden, and President Obama.
There’s nothing wrong with me. George Clooney can meet himself only in a mirror, or in, say, a doppelganger-themed screenplay.

But that sentence is tricky: it’s customary to place me at the end of a series. Here though a terminal me might suggest a terminal case of egotism: Julia Roberts, President Biden, President Obama, and me. Me! So what might be a fix?
Hi Elaine, it’s George Clooney and Julia Roberts. As proud supporters of President Biden and Vice President Harris, we’re asking you to pitch in today for a chance to meet President Biden, President Obama, and the two of us.
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[This post is no. 122 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose.]

Wednesday, May 22, 2024

A review: Anne Curzan, Says Who?

Anne Curzan, Says Who? A Kinder, Funner Usage Guide for Everyone Who Cares about Words (New York: Crown, 2024). $29.

“Everyone who cares about words”: that would include me, and the first thing I had to think about when I sat down to type this review was how to punctuate that title: should a colon follow the question mark? I’ll look it up later.

In thirty-three short chapters, Anne Curzan, a linguist and University of Michigan professor, presents assorted matters of grammar, punctuation, usage, and style, with recommendations, what she calls a “bottom line,” for thinking about each. Again and again I found myself at odds with her perspective. Part of what put me off, wrongly or rightly, is the book's relentless cheeriness: the “kinder, funner ” of the title, the too-frequent use of exclamation points. An example chosen at random: “The apostrophe’s territory is said not to include marking plurals — except for the few cases where it does!”

A larger problem is Curzan’s division of the individual psyche into “grammando” and “wordie.” She borrows “grammando” (such a violent name) from a 2012 New York Times column: “One who constantly corrects others’ linguistic mistakes.” Notice that the grammando is cast only as a listener or reader, a cranky, “judgy” listener or reader who reacts to others’ misuses of language, wanting to shout “Wrong!” or pull out a red pen when a speaker or writer makes a mistake. She seems to forget that someone with a keen attention to language is first of all attentive to getting things right in their own speech and writing and to recognizing the standards appropriate to different forms of discourse.

In contrast to the “grammando,” a “wordie” is “someone who delights in language’s shifting landscape.” The “wordie” too is, at least primarily, a listener and reader, a generous and joyous one willing to accept what the “grammando” would regard as wrong. “Enjoy the humor of a well-placed figurative literal,” Curzan urges. But is the speaker or writer trying to be funny? “Be generous when you see a dangling or misplaced modifier in writing,” Curzan suggests. But if I see one in my own prose, dammit, I’m going to fix it. If someone says they “could care less,” Curzan reminds us that semantic change is “often interesting and fun to learn about.” And we might think of “the reason is because” not as redundancy but as “mirroring,” something “aesthetically pleasing.” As for bumbled apostrophes, “we all mess them up.” Yes, and some of us read our writing carefully and try to catch them, as of course Curzan herself does.

The “inner grammando” this book imagines in its reader must be, like Rick in Casablanca, misformed: advice in Says Who? often takes up questions and prohibitions that no one knowledgeable about language would recognize as genuine: whether ain’t is a word; whether and can begin a sentence; whether none must always be singular; whether a preposition can end a sentence. Advice about these matters at times proceeds from contradictory premises. With the Oxford comma, for instance, Curzan suggests that we might use it when it‘s useful and omit it when it isn’t. But to make singular nouns ending in -s possessive, she suggests always using -’s, because doing so means “fewer decisions to make.” Curzan here and there falls into the tricky “Jane Austen” fallacy, the idea that past usage legitimizes present usage. That Shakespeare wrote “between you and I” doesn’t mean it’s appropriate to do so today. As Curzan herself is always reminding the reader, language changes, so why invoke Shakespeare’s usage as legitimizing ours?

Curzan's attitude toward what she calls standardized English (in other words, the prestige dialect of English, what many would call Standard Written English) is also contradictory. She calls standardized English

the password to jobs and connections with lots of social and economic power. We as speakers, writers, readers, and listeners have the responsibility to decide if and how we want to change that password, which is a key goal of this book.
But one page later Curzan refers to those who understand “the formal, standardized written variety [of English] in the context of all the varieties of English out there” — which would seem to suggest that standardized English is here to stay.

I’d like to see that password made available to all American students, with excellent instruction in reading and writing from the earliest grades, instruction that honors a student’s home language(s) while never discounting the importance of the prestige dialect. As Bryan Garner says of “Standard English,” “without it, you won’t be taken seriously.”

A passage that sums up my quarrel with this book:
I think it is worth asking whether these feelings we harbor about the importance of getting our commas “right” and of getting them “right” in the same way each time are the best use of our time and energies.
Heck, at least one of the best uses.

I do like the footnote that Curzan appends to formal writing to explain her use of singular they :
I am choosing to use singular gender-neutral they in this text. It is the most widely used singular generic pronoun in the spoken language and provides a useful, inclusive, concise solution to the issue in the written language as well.
You may have noticed a singular they of mine in this post.

A related post
Anne Curzan and Bryan Garner on “the reason is because”

[About the book’s title: The copyright page shows a colon after the question mark. But The Chicago Manual of Style (17th ed. at 14.96) says, “When a main title ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, no colon is added before any subtitle.” One observation about correcting other people’s language: notice that all OCA “How to improve writing” posts are about professional prose. And I don’t know anyone rude enough to correct speech in everyday life.]

Monday, May 6, 2024

How to improve writing (no. 121)

From NBC Nightly News:

If convicted, Mr. Trump could face anywhere from four years in prison to just probation.
It makes better sense to arrange the elements in order of their severity:
If convicted, Mr. Trump could face anywhere from probation to four years in prison.
Or a little more gracefully, avoiding the slack anywhere:
If Mr. Trump is convicted, his punishment could range from probation to four years in prison.
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[This post is no. 121 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose.]

Sunday, March 24, 2024

How to improve writing (no. 120)

One way to avoid glaring mistakes: be clear on which word is the subject in a sentence. From a Washington Post article (gift link) about NBC’s ill-considered decision to hire Ronna McDaniel as a political analyst:

And despite [Chuck] Todd’s pushback, there appears to be no plans to change course with this hire.
There is not the subject of that sentence (though as a word being named, it’s the subject of this sentence). The subject is plans. Revised:
And despite [Chuck] Todd’s pushback, there appear to be no plans to change course with this hire.
Better still would be for NBC to rescind this hiring.

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[This post is no. 120 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose.]

Tuesday, March 12, 2024

Recently updated

How to improve writing (no. 119) It’s difficult to improve writing when you’re angry.

Monday, March 11, 2024

How to improve writing (no. 119)

From an article in The Washington Post this morning:

Former president Donald Trump mocked President Biden’s stutter at a campaign rally in Rome, Ga., on Saturday, the latest in a series of insults he has hurled at his rival but one that disability advocates regard as a demeaning form of bullying.
Only disability advocates see it that way? Better:
Former president Donald Trump mocked President Biden’s stutter at a campaign rally in Rome, Ga., on Saturday, the latest in a series of insults that decent human beings regard as bullying.
The oddest thing about the original sentence’s effort to be “objective” is that only one of the many people quoted in the article is known as an advocate for people with disabilities.

*

March 12: Simpler:
Former president Donald Trump mocked President Biden’s stutter at a campaign rally in Rome, Ga., on Saturday, in yet another effort to demean his rival.
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[This post is no. 119 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose.]

Monday, February 26, 2024

How to improve writing (no. 118)

“What’s in Store for the Future of Higher Education?”: that’s the subject line in an e-mail from The Chronicle of Higher Education .

I ran this line past Elaine while we were walking. It took her less than a second to notice what’s wrong. Omit redundant redundancies!

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[This post is no. 118 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose.]

Friday, December 29, 2023

Joe and me and I

From yet another e-mail from the Biden-Harris campaign inviting me to make a contribution and win the chance to have a cup of coffee:

[“The chance to meet Joe and me.” Click for a larger view.]

Ah, thought I, they’re paying attention to pronouns. I thought they’d gotten it together when my daughter Rachel pointed me to a November 29 tweet: “Have a cup of joe with Joe and me.”

But the next paragraph of today’s e-mail repeats an error from a November e-mail: “One of Joe and my favorite parts about being on the campaign trail.”

Sheesh.

And three paragraphs later:

[“With Joe and I.” Click for a larger view.]

Sheesh and sheesh again.

I e-mailed about the first e-mail in November. And yes, I’m going to contribute at some point. But I can’t be moved by this kind of appeal. Who writes this stuff? And who approves it?

*

December 30: The hits just keep on coming. In today’s e-mail: “I have one more important request: to ask that you consider contributing to support President Biden and I ahead of the last public fundraising deadline of the year.”

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[This post is no. 117 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose.]

Thursday, November 30, 2023

How to improve writing (no. 116)

On the main page of The New York Times now:

The Sikh activist at the center of an alleged assassination plot said there was no question that India wanted him dead.
No. He wasn’t at the center of the alleged plot; he was its target. So:
The Sikh activist targeted in an alleged assassination plot said there was no question that India wanted him dead.
Everyone makes mistakes, but when you’re The New York Times, the mistakes should not be so glaring.

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[This post is no. 116 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose.]

Wednesday, November 29, 2023

Recently updated

How to improve writing (no. 115) Now with “with Joe and me.”

Friday, November 17, 2023

How to improve writing (no. 115)

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris want to have coffee with me — or tea, whichever I want:

One of Joe and my favorite parts about being on the campaign trail is meeting supporters just like you. I truly mean that, Michael.
“Joe and my” is just embarrassing.

Get me rewrite:

“Joe and I agree that one of our favorite parts,” &c.

“Something Joe and I both love about being on the campaign trail,” &c.

And yes, I’ve told them, or someone.

*

I finally read to the end of the e-mail:
If you’d like the opportunity to sit down for a Cup of Joe — with Joe and I — consider making a contribution to our campaign today.
*

November 29: They got it together. Witness this invitation on the platform formerly known as Twitter: “Have a cup of joe with Joe and me.”

Thanks, Rachel.

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[Formatting as in the original. Bold, underlining, and italics always add authenticity to one’s writing. This post is no. 115 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose.]

Wednesday, October 25, 2023

How to improve writing (no. 114)

This sentence from a New York Times article brought me up short:

Any candidate for speaker can lose only a handful of votes and still win the speakership because Republicans hold such a small majority in the House.
The logic of winning and losing here defies logic. If you lose only a handful of votes and still win, there’s nothing remarkable about that.

Better:
Any candidate for speaker can lose no more than a handful of votes and still win the speakership because Republicans hold such a small majority in the House.
Or:
Any candidate for speaker can lose only a handful of votes and still lose the speakership because Republicans hold such a small majority in the House.
Better still:
Because Republicans hold such a small majority in the House, a candidate for speaker can lose only a handful of votes and still lose the speakership.
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[This post is no. 114 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose.]

Wednesday, September 6, 2023

How to improve writing (no. 113)

Here’s the start of an obituary in today’s New York Times. Try reading aloud:

Gloria Coates, an adventurous composer who wrote symphonies — she was one of the few women to do so — as well as other works, pieces that were seldom performed in her home country, the United States, but found audiences in Europe, where she lived much of her professional life, died on Aug. 19 in Munich. She was 89.
That’s not the first time a Times obituary has opened with a sentence that tries to say too much. Here’s a 2013 OCA post that looks at another opening sentence with a parenthetical sprawl between subject and verb.

I have to invokes E.B. White’s advice again:
When you become hopelessly mired in a sentence, it is best to start fresh; do not try to fight your way through against the terrible odds of syntax. Usually what is wrong is that the construction has become too involved at some point; the sentence needs to be broken apart and replaced by two or more shorter sentences.
A possible revision:
Gloria Coates, one of the few female composers to write symphonies, died on Aug. 19 in Munich. She was 89. Though her works were seldom performed in the United States, they found audiences in Europe, where the Wisconsin-born composer lived much of her professional life.
Elaine, who knows hella lot more about music than the obituary writer does, takes issue with the “one of the few.” Better still:
Gloria Coates, a composer best known for her symphonies, died on Aug. 19 in Munich. She was 89. Though her works were seldom performed in the United States, they found audiences in Europe, where the Wisconsin-born composer lived much of her professional life.
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[This post is no. 113 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose. The passage from E.B. White appears in The Elements of Style, in “An Approach to Style,” the chapter White added when revising William Strunk Jr.’s book. Searching the Institute for Composer Diversity shows 1021 female composers of orchestral music and 233 female composers of works with symphony in their titles.]

Tuesday, August 22, 2023

How to improve writing (no. 112)

I made it almost through a New York Times article, and then I hit this single-sentence paragraph:

Mr. Trump has used a political action committee that is aligned with him, and that is replete with money he raised in small-dollar donations as he falsely claimed he was fighting widespread fraud after the 2020 election, to pay the legal bills of a number of allies, as well as his own.
There’s something odd about the phrase “replete with money.” The bigger problem though is that “that is aligned with him, and that is replete with money he raised in small-dollar donations as he falsely claimed he was fighting widespread fraud after the 2020 election” is just too much to position between “Mr. Trump has used a political action committee” and “to pay the legal bills.”

Better:
To pay his legal bills and those of several allies, Mr. Trump has used small-dollar donations to a political action committee that he falsely claimed was fighting widespread fraud after the 2020 election.
But making two sentences is better still:
To pay his legal bills and those of several allies, Mr. Trump has used funds from a political action committee that he falsely claimed was fighting widespread fraud after the 2020 election. The funds were raised mostly as small-dollar donations.
I like keeping the detail about small-dollar donations in a separate sentence, making it what we used to call a zinger.

E.B. White’s advice:
When you become hopelessly mired in a sentence, it is best to start fresh; do not try to fight your way through against the terrible odds of syntax. Usually what is wrong is that the construction has become too involved at some point; the sentence needs to be broken apart and replaced by two or more shorter sentences.
True that.

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[This post is no. 112 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose. The passage from E.B. White appears in The Elements of Style, in “An Approach to Style,” the chapter White added when revising William Strunk Jr.’s book.]

Friday, August 18, 2023

How to improve writing (no. 111)

I wrote a letter yesterday to the CEO an insurance company about the 109 minutes I spent on the phone trying to find out why a payment didn’t go through. The eventual answer, which came at the end of the fourth call: there was a general problem with processing payments.

The first paragraph began like so:

I am writing to describe my recent experience trying to sort out a problem with my mother's [company name] plan. I am not seeking an apology or a promise that your company will do better. I want only to describe my experience and make suggestions for improvement, suggestions that I hope your organization will take seriously.
After revision:
I want to recount my recent effort to sort out a problem with my mother's [company name] plan. I’m not asking for an apology or a promise that your company will do better. I want only to recount my experience and make constructive suggestions for your consideration.
Modest savings here: the paragraph went from fifty-six words to forty-seven. And the words are much better in the revision.

~ “I am writing”: There’s no need to say that. I briefly considered beginning with “Let me recount,” but I decided that I don’t want to ask for anyone’s permission.

~ “Recount” is more accurate than “describe.” Describing this experience would call for furious strings of adjectives and expletives.

~ “My recent experience trying to sort out a problem”: That’s pretty ponderous.

~ “I am not seeking an apology”: Also a bit ponderous.

~ “Suggestions for improvement, suggestions that I hope your organization will take seriously”: Again, ponderous. I think I’ve been watching too much Frasier. “Constructive suggestions for your consideration” says everything that needs to be said, and I like the touch of wit in “for your consideration.” Yes, I’m a Christopher Guest fan.

Will the CEO read the thousand-word letter that follows? I doubt it. But someone will. And God knows, they need all the constructive suggestions they can get for their user interface.

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[This post is no. 111 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose. I turned this paragraph into public prose by putting it in this post.]