Thursday, September 12, 2013

How to improve writing (no. 45)

The opening sentence of a New York Times obituary:

Robert R. Taylor, a serial entrepreneur who popularized hand soap from a pump, gambling $12 million to prevent competitors from duplicating it, and fragrances like “Obsession,” which he advertised with artful eroticism, died on Aug. 29 in Newport Beach, Calif.
To my eyes, the writer has crammed too many bits of information into one sentence — a problem one sees again and again in news writing. Notice especially how long it takes to travel from soap to “Obsession.” The abbreviated Aug. and Calif. (house style, I know) end up looking absurd when a sentence makes room for so much else.

A better start:
Robert R. Taylor, a serial entrepreneur who popularized hand soap from a pump and fragrances like “Obsession,” died on August 29 in Newport Beach, California.
Or better still:
Robert R. Taylor, a serial entrepreneur who popularized products as various as liquid soap and the fragrance “Obsession,” died on August 29 in Newport Beach, California.
Or again:
A serial entrepreneur who popularized products as various as liquid soap and the fragrance “Obsession,” Robert R. Taylor died on August 29 in Newport Beach, California.
The missing details can appear in the paragraphs that follow, where they will have a better chance to register.

Related reading
All How to improve writing posts (Pinboard)

[This post is no. 45 in a series, “How to improve writing,” dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose.]

comments: 4

Matt Thomas said...

Robert R. Taylor, the businessman who made washing your hands easier and Calvin Klein fragrances sexy, died August 29th in California. He was 77.

Michael Leddy said...

Is it possible to do it with the elements parallel? Soap [adjective] and fragrances sexy?

Matt Thomas said...

Robert R. Taylor, the entrepreneur who helped make soap usable and fragrances sexy, has died. He was 77.

Michael Leddy said...

I think you and I have put more thought into it than the Times did. :)