How to improve writing (no. 111)

I wrote a letter yesterday to the CEO an insurance company about the 109 minutes I spent on the phone trying to find out why a payment didn’t go through. The eventual answer, which came at the end of the fourth call: there was a general problem with processing payments.

The first paragraph began like so:

I am writing to describe my recent experience trying to sort out a problem with my mother's [company name] plan. I am not seeking an apology or a promise that your company will do better. I want only to describe my experience and make suggestions for improvement, suggestions that I hope your organization will take seriously.

After revision:

I want to recount my recent effort to sort out a problem with my mother's [company name] plan. I’m not asking for an apology or a promise that your company will do better. I want only to recount my experience and make constructive suggestions for your consideration.

Modest savings here: the paragraph went from fifty-six words to forty-seven. And the words are much better in the revision.

~ “I am writing”: There’s no need to say that. I briefly considered beginning with “Let me recount,” but I decided that I don’t want to ask for anyone’s permission.

~ “Recount” is more accurate than “describe.” Describing this experience would call for furious strings of adjectives and expletives.

~ “My recent experience trying to sort out a problem”: That’s pretty ponderous.

~ “I am not seeking an apology”: Also a bit ponderous.

~ “Suggestions for improvement, suggestions that I hope your organization will take seriously”: Again, ponderous. I think I’ve been watching too much Frasier. “Constructive suggestions for your consideration” says everything that needs to be said, and I like the touch of wit in “for your consideration.” Yes, I’m a Christopher Guest fan.

Will the CEO read the thousand-word letter that follows? I doubt it. But someone will. And God knows, they need all the constructive suggestions they can get for their user interface.

Related reading
All OCA How to improve writing posts (Pinboard)

[This post is no. 111 in a series dedicated to improving stray bits of public prose. I turned this paragraph into public prose by putting it in this post.]