Pine Valley Family Farm lines

Here are some lines culled from Christmas in Pine Valley (dir. Damián Romay, 2022), a hilariously bad holiday movie.

Our cast: Natalie runs Pine Valley Family Farm, purportedly a family-owned business, with help from friend Lisa, “Aunt” Mary (not Natalie’s aunt), “Grandpa” Carlos (not Natalie’s grandfather), and little Elsa. (She appears to be Carlos’s granddaughter — he calls her Elsita.) Josh is the disgraced reporter who comes to write a magazine article about the farm and is scrupulously checking every fact so as not to blow the assignment. Mr. Prentice owns stores that stock only items from family-owned businesses.

*

[Mr. Prentice arrives.]

“I’m very interested to learn more about your Pine Valley Family Farm.”

[He immediately orders 500 of each item they produce — apparently soaps and handcarved ornaments.]

“I can’t tell you how happy I was to find your blog online.”

*

[Josh tells his editor that he’s skeptical about his new assignment.]

“You know I love a great human-interest story, Morgan, but I’m an investigative journalist.”

*

[Josh helps Natalie makes soap and expresses skepticism about the Pine Valley process.]

“Glycerin, instead of lye? Which I happen to know comes from wood ashes. No reason not to have plenty of that around here.”

[He really is an investigative journalist.]

*

“I’ll need to learn all about you and your wonderful holiday traditions.”

[He really is an investigative journalist.]

*

[Young Elsa is playing the piano.]

Lisa: “What’s that?”

Elsa: “Um, the opening of ‘Jingle Bells.’”

Mary: “Oh, I know that one.”

Natalie: “I do too. Keep going, Elsa.”

Elsa: “That’s all I know. I’m only eight.”

Josh, entering: “Did I hear ‘Jingle Bells?’”

Natalie: “Ah.”

Josh: “That was the first song I learned too. Don’t let me interrupt, but I’d love to join in.”

Elsa: “Nope, I’m done.”

*

[Trouble in the supply chain.]

Mr. Prentice: “I just had to cancel a large order with another company, and it's left a rather large hole in our supply chain for next year.”

Josh: “What happened, if you don't mind me asking?”

Mr. Prentice: “It came to our attention that their image as a family-owned business was completely false, not a word of truth to it. They didn't even make a single product themselves. Everything was imported.”

Natalie: “Oh, that’s —”

Josh: “How some unscrupulous people try to manipulate the public for financial gain. I'm Josh Sims, by the way.”

*

[Josh checks the height of the town tree, from Pine Valley Family Farm, natch. Did Natalie tell the truth about it?]

“Sixteen feet and three inches, exactly. The tree. Sixteen feet and three inches.”

“Oh, okay, so I was close.”

“But not exactly.”

“Wow, I didn’t realize that the readers of Southern Country Lifestyle Magazine were such sticklers for horticulture.”

“I guess. But still.”

*

[When Natalie was working on a blog post, Elsa accidentally deleted a passage, unwittingly joined two distant sentences, and pressed Publish. The resulting sentence says that Natalie is getting married. After Josh reads the post, Natalie pretends that she’s getting married to a fellow named Dave, a friend of Lisa’s. Josh thinks Dave is too laid back for Natalie and tells her so.]

“What's wrong with laid back?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all. But it just doesn't seem very you. Yeah, you’re energetic, intense, electric.”

*

[Ever investigating.]

“I’ve been meaning to ask, when do you guys go out on the farm and pick out a tree for the house and bring it back on a hand-drawn sleigh?”

*

Josh: “it must be really beautiful when it's all lit up with the Christmas luminaries.”

Natalie: “Yeah, it really must.”

*

[Lisa is shocked, shocked, to see Mr. Prentice at the Pine Valley Christmas dance.]

“Mr. Prentice, what are you doing here?”

“I enjoyed reading about the Christmas dance so much that I decided to come see it for myself.”

*

[Josh seeks the truth.]

“Natalie, there's something I have to ask you about. It’s about your blog. It says Pine Valley started as a Christmas tree farm in 1937, but property records show the family actually bought it in 1931.”

*

[Mr. Prentice is soon shocked, shocked, to learn that the Pine Valley Family Farm folks are not in fact a family. But Josh makes Mr. Prentice read a blog post in which Natalie explains her deception. And everyone else explains things to Mr. Prentice: “Aunt” Mary is Natalie’s mother’s second cousin once removed. And “Grandpa” Carlos will soon be marrying Mary. And Lisa and Natalie are just as close as sisters. All is made right.]

Natalie: “Did you have a part in this?”

Josh: “Well, I did insist he read your new blog post and said I was going to convince my editor to run it instead of my article. I couldn't have explained Pine Valley family better than you did. Also that everyone's going to want Pine Valley Family Farm products, so we better stock up now.”

[Laughter.]

*

These lines will take on added luster if you watch the movie, especially if you watch with members of my fambly. And it must be said: there is only one Pine Valley, the home of All My Children, aka All My Kids. (Yes, I watched, through much of grad school.)