Domestic comedy

“Should I just chuck these catalogues?”

“Yeah.”

“We’ll get more.”

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“What on earth is an artist?”

Van Veen is speaking with a “fellow student whom we shall call Dick,” Dick Cheshire:


Vladimir Nabokov, Ada, or Ardor: A Family Chronicle (1969).

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[Underground observatories were proposed as early as 1903. The Cryogenic Underground Observatory for Rare Events has an oddly Nabokovian name.]

Anglic

Among many efforts to reform English spelling: Anglic, the creation of Dr. R. E. Zachrisson (1880–1937), professor of English at Uppsala University. A sample:

Forskor and sevn yeerz agoe our faadherz braut forth on this kontinent a nue naeshon, konsee vd in liberty, and dedikaeted to the propozishon that aul men are kreae ted equal.

Quoted in H. L. Mencken, The American Language: An Inquiry into the Development of English in the United States , 4th ed. (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1936).

And a rejoinder to all such schemes, from a recent installment of Bryan Garner’s Usage Tip of the Day:

A person who has invested countless hours and endless labor learning to spell irrationally has an unconscious vested interest in the irrational system once he has mastered it, and no amount of argument on behalf of ease to his descendants will shake him.

Mario Pei, “English Spelling,” in Language Today: A Survey of Current Linguistic Thought (1967).

Also from The American Language
The American a : The American v. the Englishman : “Are you a speed-cop?” : Benjamin Franklin and spelling : B.V.D. : English American English : Franco-American : “[N]o faculty so weak as the English faculty” : On professor : Playing policy : “There are words enough already” : The -thon , dancing and walking Through -thing and -thin’ : The verb to contact

Benjamin Franklin and spelling

Another Mencken footnote, on Benjamin Franklin’s spelling reforms:

The Scheme is reprinted in Franklin’s Words , edited by John Bigelow; New York, 1887-8; Vol IV, p. 198 ff . The six new characters were a modified a for the long a in ball , an h upside down for the u in unto , a combination of long s and i for the sh in wish , a y with a curled tail for ng , an h with a curled tail for the h in wish , and a somewhat similar h , but with a wavy appendage at the top, for the th of thy . Franklin expunged c , w , y and j from the alphabet as unnecessary. He proposed that the vowels be differentiated by using one letter for the short ones and two for the long ones. He made a trial of his new alphabet in a letter to Miss Stephenson of London, apparently a bluestocking of the time. She replied on September 26, 1768, saying that she could si meni inkanviiniensis in it. He defended it in a letter from Kreven striit , London, Sept. 28.

H. L. Mencken, The American Language: An Inquiry into the Development of English in the United States , 4th ed. (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1936).

For more on Franklin’s reforms: “Benjamin Franklin’s Phonetic Alphabet” (Smithsonian).

Also from The American Language
The American a : The American v. the Englishman : “Are you a speed-cop?” : B.V.D. : English American English : Franco-American : “[N]o faculty so weak as the English faculty” : On professor : Playing policy : “There are words enough already” : The -thon , dancing and walking Through -thing and -thin’ : The verb to contact

Domestic comedy

“Oatmeal season is upon us.”

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The Oysterette man

[Illustration from the article “What about Present Cracker Advertising? An Interview with the Advertising Manager of the N. B. C.” The Cracker Baker (March 1918).]

I somehow thought of Nabisco Oysterettes and went looking for the Oysterette man. He is hard to find, these days. He was never a spokesman, and certainly never a mascot. He sat, silent, on a box on the side of the box, head down, all wrinkled and patched, shucking oysters. No one at the wharf has seen him. (What wharf?)

The Oysterette man makes a fleeting full-color appearance on eBay now and then. But I found him living a more settled life in grey. “When the N. B. C. let me go,” he told me, “I didn’t know what to think. I thought I had a job for life. But what are you gonna do?” The answer: shuck oysters. It’s what he knows. He is down to his last box of crackers.

[The National Biscuit Company began using the name “Oysterettes” in 1900 or 1901. The trademark lapsed in 2003. The Oysterette man on eBay: here, for instance.]

Halloween is so over

In three-and-a-half hours of trick-or-treating last night, we had six children come to our door: three, two, one, and none. It was dark, it was cold, it was raining. We gave generous handfuls of candy and one pencil per child.

Child: “A pencil ??”

Jaded brat!

Me: “Yes, a pencil. It’s a good pencil; it’ll last a lot longer than the candy.”

And now we’re left with 100+ pieces of Heath and Hershey and eighteen more Ticonderogas in our house. They’ll last a very long time.

When we last did Halloween, several years ago, we had just four children show up. I would imagine that many younger families now forage only at friends’ houses. Or they might choose to avoid the sugared debauch entirely. (Who can fault them?) The days of going from random house to random house for treats seem to be on the wane, at least in this neighborhood.

Eve’s Eve

[The dreaded Halloween Pumpkin Eater. Art by James Leddy. No date.]

It is All Hallows’ Eve’s Eve, at least by my reckoning. Our town’s three used-book stores will be giving out children’s books tomorrow. A greathearted gesture, that. Our household has assembled reserves of Hershey Miniatures, Heath Miniatures, and Dixon Ticonderogas — which, like books, should outlast all candy.

The illustration above is from a card by my dad, one of many through the years. It loses something in the scanning: the Eater is made of electrical tape. He is both scary and shiny.

More art by James Leddy
❤ : Abe’s shades : Billie Holiday, 29¢ : Boo! : Happy holidays : Hardy mums : Questionnaire : Thanks!

Sardine surprise

[“The Cetacean Institute.” In real life, the Monterey Bay Aquarium, Monterey, California. Click for a larger view.]

Elaine’s mom, who just finished reading Moby-Dick, suggested that we watch Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (dir. Leonard Nimoy, 1986), which has whales. But lo: it also has sardines — at least the word, not the fish.

The Monterey Bay Aquarium (the movie’s Cetacean Institute) is housed in a former cannery at 892 Cannery Row. The Portola brand (once canned therein) took its name from Gaspar de Portolá. The website Sardine King (aptly named) has an array of Portola labels spread across two pages. And here’s a New York Times article with background on the Aquarium.

If you’re wondering why the Monterey Bay Aquarium has a role in a Star Trek movie: the answer is time travel .

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Bad kerning

[Detail from the box for a Cosco Open/Closed Sign, as seen at Staples.]

I glanced at the box and thought, My eyes . I can think of five possible explanations for the poor kerning:

1. The people who put together this sign didn’t know what they were doing.

2. The people who put together this sign knew what they were doing: making a homely, unintimidating sign.

3, 4, 5. The people who put together this sign were having a laugh at the company’s expense, the consumer’s expense, or both.

The killer detail is the upside-down S in PLEASE. Please!

If you’d like to improve your kerning skills, Kern Type is a fun (free) online game. Hint: with each word, you can adjust all letters but the first and last.

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[This post is for Daughter Number Three, who knows from kerning.]