How to improve writing (no. 1 in a series)

Here's an excerpt from something in my mailbox, inviting employees to participate in a Sick Leave Bank:

The Sick Leave Bank commenced on January 1, 1999. Employee's eligible to participate in the Sick Leave Bank now have the opportunity to enroll or re-enroll in the program. The month of January is the open Enrollment Period for Sick Leave Bank participation.

Obvious changes: Take out commenced, which seems a little pretentious. Began is a good alternative. (I wonder whether anything really began on January 1, since the campus is closed on that day. Hmm.) And fix Employee's, a word that serves as a good example of why you cannot rely upon a spellchecker. It might not be possible to do much about all those capitalized nouns; they might be terms whose capitals are a matter of state bureaucracy. The urgent italics though can go. What's the difference between "eligible employees" and "employees eligible to participate"? Only an unnecessary sort of zeal, as if those who cannot participate are strictly forbidden to try.

This passage might be improved in more substantive ways by combining sentences and placing clear emphasis on what's most important. For instance,

During January 2005, eligible employees may enroll or re-enroll in the Sick Leave Bank. Since 1999, the Sick Leave Bank has helped faculty and staff who have exhausted their available leave time while facing catastrophic illness or injury.

Link » Other How to improve writing posts, via Pinboard

Nostos

From a New York Times article on the difficulties of returning veterans:

The nation's hard-pressed health care system for veterans is facing a potential deluge of tens of thousands of soldiers returning from Iraq with serious mental health problems brought on by the stress and carnage of war, veterans' advocates and military doctors say.

An Army study shows that about one in six soldiers in Iraq report symptoms of major depression, serious anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder, a proportion that some experts believe could eventually climb to one in three, the rate ultimately found in Vietnam veterans. Because about one million American troops have served so far in the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, according to Pentagon figures, some experts predict that the number eventually requiring mental health treatment could exceed 100,000.

Reading this article, I was reminded at many points of Jonathan Shay's book Odysseus in America, which details numerous parallels between Odysseus' story and the stories of Vietnam veterans.

Misspelling

From USA Today:

An error at the recently completed Illinois World War II Memorial is carved in stone. The Oak Ridge Cemetery memorial lists major battles, including the Burma campaign. However, it's spelled Berma in the $1.5 million memorial. Committee members expect the correction to be made this spring.

And now back to grading.

Misspellings

But.

Penes.

Misspellings seen on the walls of the men's rooms in a university building.

(Now it's back to grading.)

Explorer alternatives

From an article in the Chronicle of Higher Education:

Worried about persistent security flaws in Microsoft's Internet Explorer, officials at the Pennsylvania State University system have taken the unusual step of recommending that students, professors, and staff members stop using the popular Web browser.

"The threats are real, and alternatives exist," the university said in an announcement posted on its Web site this week.

The most obvious alternatives are Firefox (free) and Opera (free with a banner ad, $39 without, and worth it!). Opera is my favorite browser. Both browsers are much faster and much more secure than Internet Explorer. And both allow tabbed browsing, with multiple pages within one program window, another advantage over Internet Explorer.

Athens

From a piece by Nicholas D. Kristof in today's New York Times:

We might recall what happened to ancient Athens, perhaps the greatest flowering of civilization. In just three generations, one small city--by today's standards, anyway--nurtured democracy, became a superpower and produced some of the greatest artists, writers, philosophers and historians the world has ever known.

Yet Athens became too full of itself. It forgot to apply its humanity beyond its own borders, it bullied its neighbors, and it scoffed at the rising anti-Athenianism. To outsiders, it came to epitomize not democracy, but arrogance. The great humanists of the ancient world could be bafflingly inhumane abroad, as at Melos, the My Lai of its day.

Athens's overweening military intervention abroad antagonized and alarmed its neighbors, eventually leading to its defeat in the Peloponnesian War. It's not so much that Athens was defeated--it betrayed its own wonderful values, alienated its neighbors and destroyed itself.

Hothouse parenting

It's bad enough that today's children are raised in a psychological hothouse where they are overmonitored and oversheltered. But that hothouse no longer has geographical or temporal boundaries. For that you can thank the cell phone. Even in college--or perhaps especially at college--students are typically in contact with their parents several times a day, reporting every flicker of experience. One long-distance call overheard on a recent cross-campus walk: "Hi, Mom. I just got an ice-cream cone; can you believe they put sprinkles on the bottom as well as on top?"

From an article in Psychology Today on "hothouse parenting." This piece reminded me of conversations with students whose roommates get wake-up calls from their parents every morning.

Business writing

i need help i am writing a essay on writing i work for this company and my boss want me to help improve the workers writing skills

hI KATHY i am sending u the assignmnet again. i had sent you the assignment earlier but i didnt get a respond. If u get this assgnment could u please respond . thanking u for ur cooperation.

I wanted to let everyone know that when Jim and I are sending out e-mails (example- who is to be picking up parcels) I am wanting for who ever the e-mail goes to to respond back to the e-mail. Its important that Jim and I knows that the person, intended, had read the e-mail. This gives an acknowledgment that the task is being completed. I am asking for a simple little 2 sec. Note that says "ok", "I got it", or Alright."

Real-world business e-mails, from a New York Times article on writing (and efforts to improve writing) in the business world.

Lost and Found

My friend Chris Cougill mentioned http://foundmagazine.com today, which reminded me that I meant to include a link to it here. Anyone who is fascinated by the mysteries of the found fragment (as with Sappho's poetry), will find Found interesting.

Wal-Mart and cultural mores

Some good examples of what we talk about when we talk about cultural mores, from an article in the New York Times on Wal-Mart's expansion into other countries:

[A]n early miss was Indonesia, where Wal-Mart began trying to build a business in 1996. Indonesians turned up their noses at the brightly lighted, highly organized stores . . . and because no haggling was permitted, considered them overpriced. A year later, Wal-Mart packed up and left.

In Argentina and Brazil, an apparent ignorance of local preferences regarding cuts of beef alienated many potential customers . . . . And in Germany, shoppers gave a cold shoulder to the greeters that Wal-Mart uses to lend a friendly atmosphere to its sprawling American stores. "It was viewed as too friendly and disruptive, invading their space."

Another example of a cultural shift: Wal-Mart is permitting its employees in China to organize unions.