I noticed this example of "educationese" yesterday in a newsletter for parents:
The school district will be implementing a new call out system to assist the building in calling parents with announcements.How many problems in this sentence?
"Implementing" is mere jargon.Howzabout this revised sentence?
"Implementing," "building," "calling": three "-ings" in one sentence.
"Call out system" is, at best, imprecise; at worst, obscure. (What is a "call out system"?) A Google search suggests that "call-out system" is the usual phrase.
The reference to "the building" is oddly dehumanizing. And what sort of building is capable of making phone calls, even with a newly implemented system to assist it?
We'll be using an automated calling system to contact parents with announcements.From 20 words to 12; from 31 syllables to 22.
Even better:
We'll be using an automated system to call parents with announcements.From 12 words to 11; from 22 syllables to 19.
And better still:
We'll use automated dialing to call parents with announcements.From 11 words to 9; from 19 syllables to 17. Final savings: over 50% off.
This post is the most recent installment in a very occasional series.
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comments: 2
It still sounds partly as if you'll send something to parents who have announcements, and it doesn't identify the parents. How about this: We'll send announcements automatically to students' parents.
We at the school board have reached the following conclusion: it has been the coincidence of our perspectives that the newly elected system gives occasion for not inconsiderable gratification. Cordially yours, Branford L. Weatherby, MBA, PhD, LLD, DO, BO, SUV
LOL!
I know--"parents with announcements" bugs me too. Your revision's better in that respect, but is it clear that the announcements will be coming by phone?
Ben just suggested an improvement: "We'll send announcements to parents with automated dialing." Down to 8 words, 16 syllables.
Sad to say, Dr. Weatherby's loquacious verbosity is emulated by a myriad of aspirant pedagogues. (The passive voice in that sentence is deliberate!)
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