I noticed this example of "educationese" yesterday in a newsletter for parents:
The school district will be implementing a new call out system to assist the building in calling parents with announcements.How many problems in this sentence?
"Implementing" is mere jargon.Howzabout this revised sentence?
"Implementing," "building," "calling": three "-ings" in one sentence.
"Call out system" is, at best, imprecise; at worst, obscure. (What is a "call out system"?) A Google search suggests that "call-out system" is the usual phrase.
The reference to "the building" is oddly dehumanizing. And what sort of building is capable of making phone calls, even with a newly implemented system to assist it?
We'll be using an automated calling system to contact parents with announcements.From 20 words to 12; from 31 syllables to 22.
We'll be using an automated system to call parents with announcements.From 12 words to 11; from 22 syllables to 19.
And better still:
We'll use automated dialing to call parents with announcements.From 11 words to 9; from 19 syllables to 17. Final savings: over 50% off.
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